One thing I hate about writing is that I tend to feel like I'm whining. I guess I kind of am whining a lot in life too. I'd to clarify that though. I don't mean to just bitch,it's more like..trying to sort out ideas. Trying to brainstorm solutions to problems. I know I could have it much worse, and I'm glad for what I have. I'm just a bit unsatisfied because it feels like maybe way out there in the future I could feel like I've done more.

Where does one get confidence,is the question. Most people like to say that it comes form within one's self. I think that's generic mumbojumbo. What good is putting effort into something,how can you find the motivation to put effort into things that are truly difficult if you don't have support? I think that's the real idea behind "every great man is a greater woman. I think I just want someone to believe in me.

A friend of mine called this afternoon needing a ride to the clinic because,hi stomach hurt. My feet hurt so bad I had smoke a bowl of some pretty good shit to before I left. While he was in there gettin' looked at me and his gf went to Wal-Mart....What can I say I needed socks..
I told the girl I'd meet her electronics when I was done with my mundane shit.I grabbed a pack of white socks and headed over to electronics.She wasn't their so I killed 20 minutes looking corduroy pants. They didn't have any ( I was told later by my main stream friend they're not back in style yet,but should be soon) so I end up with brown pair of cargo pants. I love pockets.I got two caps 'cause I couldn't decide which to buy,I don't even wear caps very often,I'm more of a fedora or knit cap kind of guy.But how could I resist a black ball cap with a skull and cross bones? I like the elusion to a poisoned mind. The other hat is a olive green army style cap.I had been looking for one of those for a while. I went back to electronics and piddled around for another ten/fifteen minutes before the chick showed up. We still had half an hour to kill
so I stopped over at the gas station bought three packs of CAMEL filters and two slushie drinks.On the way she asked for a job application,but it took so long for the clerk to ocme back with one she decided we should leave.which was really only only a couple of minutes.I wonder if the clerk did it on purpose.Kind of odd though because the chick wasn;t being loud and crazy for once. When we were back in the car I offered her one of my packs of CAMELS,but since she smokes CAMEL lights she went back in to trade the clerk.
We got back to the clinic where my friend was already waiting.Turns out he diverticulitus. A common stomach problem,the really just means you should eat better and lose weight.Though it can be nasty if not kept in check not too bad of a thing.But he was stressed about it anyways.
On the way back tot heir place I offered lunch,we decided on subway i got a foot-long combo they got six inch combos each.On the way home the girl mentioned she needed a ride to her play rehearsal at 7:30 it wasn't even 5 and I didn't feel like hanging around but I said O.K. At least it would be a chance to see ARMY of DARKNESS for the first.Though it was not great...as expected really.Then a friend of theirs came over.An older homeless looking dude with grey hair and beard. He was talking about something I..I guess about a friend needing my friend to watch her kid so she could go to work tomorrow.My friend didn't want since it was his birthday.Suddenly the guy walks out and say "If your birthday is more important than her keeping her job well,happy birthday.Fuck you." That's when I started paying attention, he slams the door as he leaves.
So then They plug in Army of Darkness and I sit and watch that for a while they screw around with their new computer.
Then my friend's brother comes over for a little while with his girlfriend's cry, tiny, few-month-old baby.
So finally at 7:30 I get home and I'm tired but,my friend Jared has stopped over,unexpectedly of course and wants to drink,so I stay upstairs four more hours drinking some pretty decent beer,but not nearly as much as he wanted.I finally get to bed sleep for four hours wake-up with need to piss like a race horse..and here we are. Time to do some homework before school.
Several hours lat: I slept in ,missed the bus...playing hooky. Don't won't worry .won't make a habit of it :)

I need some air.I need some trust,I suppose it goes both ways.Up stream,and down stream.Can't find a delta,no ports.I've been following the wind for....a millenia?! I smell of body filth and old flesh.Perhaps too long.
It's a ghost ship, I am the only crew. Captain and oarsman.I have no compass,no point of reference.I don't care where we land,and what terrors or glory may come on some strange land. As long as there is something.
I consult the ghosts,but their moans offer littler more than lullibys. They are sweet to me,I love to sleep. Or do I sleep? Can't tell the difference anymore.I am brought illusions of fulfilling mortal desires.I do not Savor them,but old habits die hard.Then the storms rage.
The calm is merely the winds taking slow inhalations to jet back upon me.To make the drift more difficult.To confuse my heading.I cruel amusement.Their is no course anyway.At least someone is having fun with this.They are winning the battles but I will have the last laugh if Mors is my savior,and they like spoiled children will lament the loss of their plaything.

I'm listening to NPR.Remmebr Bachharini(sp?) is good.Write a letter about star date being stupid.most ten year old knows how a meteor works.

For some reason I thought of dying in the wilderness last night.It'd be pretty nasty, rotting into mush and bones,swarmed by insects. SO,I figured it'd be better to die in an icy place to leave a more dignified corpse.This made a click in my head,and I suddenly relate ancient egyptian culture a little better.

I want nothing more than take all my friends and make them drink from a keg while listening to very loud music until dawn.That's right.A party. Anybody remember those? When ya have a good time and sometimes your neighbors complain about the noise,but you don't give a shit after the cop leaves.Yeah,rock! And fuck anyone lame ass motherfucker who doesn't like it. If it's too loud,you're too old.

I was just trying to convince Carissa to hangout wiht me again....I'm real;y waffling about wanting to see anyone these days. It just seems so hard for me to do.It never works out anyway.

Most people change a lot in life.The way they look,dress act,the things they do for fun or money.Lives change.Not so much for me. I don't seem to bee good at living,but I keep doing it.So,I'm considering moving back to Ohio and living out my days in a group home.It's simple living. the ultimate sort of lazy fuck-all thing to do.

I talked to my girl today. I said " Do you think you'll want to come see me for dinner,movie and a drink sort of thing again?" Since we haven't talked much lately. She replies:"If I'm up that way sometime."
So,I guess I'm pretty single again. Which is fine.Long distance relationships are a bitch sometimes.She was nice girl though,and I hope it's not going to be so long until I meet another one.

I wish that I were not such a boring person.

I'm sitting here listening to some music through my big 70's lookin' headphones on a shitty car discman worried about how long the batteries will last. But I'm digging it at the moment. I'm also thinking about it
being national write a novel month. I'm sitting writing and feeling that I just haven't got into the right frame of mind. So,the question is: What albums would be good for inspiration? Any other inspiring things?

Oh man,I'm watching t.v. and of course it's a dating game-show.Haven't experienced this in a while. Sick-sad and pretty funny.

I was in a house with a woman in her mid-twenties,but she seemed older than me.In charge,the voice of reason. She seemed there to take care of me,the place,and a younger man. A teenager maybe,that seemed to be sleeping most of the time. Not ill,but something wrong. He had two small dogs.They disappeared.
I was infatuated with her. She would have nothing to do with me,except tease.Then the dogs were gone.The boy would sit up and scream. The dogs had gone,into the ceiling.I knew it.I saw the blood. A large grisly smear of blood.up the wall and ending at the tiles of the ceiling. Had they been dragged into the crawl space?
No one else saw.Not at first. The boy got worse.Screaming periodically. The lights went dim. The terror became real.We were hunted by evil spirits taking the most terrifying forms of the human body. Skinned,decomposing. Frightening skinless,bleeding faces. Shades of green.

Funny thing,a few hours ago I was saying it's been a month since my television stopped working.It got fried in the last thunder storm. I've been jonzing for video games.Big time. Not five minutes passed,I gave it another try in a different outlet and it seems to be fine.Good things are coming my way lately.

Still no shoes.Maybe tomorrow. Better things are on the horizon,but will it be good enough? How can I make real use of myself? Am I good at anything? I'm leeching today.

A boat is traveling peacefully down the river.The captain is skilled and found the easiest,most calm path to travel. Suddenly the boat is pulled towards the shore and slams into the rocks. In the Captain's last moments of panic a shrouded figure appears and hand him a slip of paper.
MEMO TO THE CAPTAIN: UP STREAM OR DOWN ULTIMATELY THE CURRENT CONTROLS THE VESSEL.

God hates me. The storm last night fried my television.Everything else is o.k. No more video games for me though

Sat. Sept.3 The Bottleneck. a free concert. ANVIL CHORUS. Very cool sound.
also..i just made a perfect pot of spaghetti.WHen I tried to drain it,it went down the disposal. We need a good spaghetti fork,a strainer and a bigger pot. SON OF A BITCH!!!

It seems John Woo is going to make a new He-Man movie. The rumor is that Nicholas Cage is going to play Skeletor. He looks right ,but I don't if he can be scary. I want this New movie to be Bad-ass with a Skeletor scary enough o give me nightmares now,just as those old stupid drawing in the comics gave me nightmares when I was 4. He-Man rules!